Navigating Anxious Attachment: Addressing Your Biggest Questions
These are questions that we didn’t have the time to address in out last Anxious Attachment Support Group. So I am taking the time to answer them here. It is possible to move into secure attachment, if you’re ready to do that you can join the weekly support group or sign up for you free ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT BREAKTHROUGH SESSION call.
Navigating Anxious Attachment: Addressing Your Biggest Questions
Anxious attachment can feel like an emotional rollercoaster—especially when navigating relationships, breakups, and self-discovery. Your questions from the recent support group webinar reveal the deep concerns and struggles you’re facing. Let’s tackle them head-on with honesty, empathy, and practical steps to support your healing.
1. My wife and I separated, but we’re in therapy and still dating. However, she’s exploring her options on dating apps, which makes me anxious. Any recommendations?
First, honor your feelings. It’s understandable that her actions are triggering anxiety—especially given your investment in the relationship. Clarity is key. Have an honest conversation about what both of you are hoping to achieve from therapy. Are you both truly working toward reconciliation, or is she using therapy as a safe space while exploring other options? Boundaries are essential here; if something isn’t aligned with your values, it’s okay to express your needs. Remember, you deserve clarity and emotional safety in your healing journey.
2. How do I deal with an avoidant once they want nothing to do with me?
When an avoidant partner pulls away, it can feel deeply personal—but it’s not. Avoidants often retreat as a coping mechanism, not as a reflection of your worth. The best approach? Shift the focus back to yourself. Work on self-soothing techniques, build your support system, and avoid the urge to chase. Give them space while using this time to reinforce your own emotional foundation.
3. What are your recommendations to begin ego work?
Start with self-awareness practices. Journaling, shadow work exercises, and mindfulness can help you observe the ego’s protective mechanisms without judgment. There are many articles on the topic here on the BreakBox Coaching Website. Follow this link to the article tagged EGO, and this link for EGO WORK.
Consider resources like:
“The Tools of Transformation” workbook (which you can grab from BreakBox)
Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy to understand your protective parts
BreakBox’s coaching sessions to deep-dive into your unique ego patterns as part of our Self-Mastery Package.
4. How does secure attachment relate to being in a family with narcissists?
A secure attachment style acts as an emotional buffer. When surrounded by narcissistic family members, secure individuals can maintain boundaries, self-worth, and emotional regulation without becoming enmeshed in their dysfunction. If you’re still working toward security, focus on:
Recognizing manipulation and detaching emotionally
Affirming your inner worth through positive self-talk
Prioritizing self-care over pleasing others
5. How do I deal with the emotional fallout of divorce?
Divorce brings grief, loss, and identity shifts. Allow yourself to process the emotions fully—anger, sadness, relief, and uncertainty are all valid. Seek support through therapy, journaling, and community. Reframe the experience by focusing on your growth and the opportunity to redefine your life on your terms.
6. Love makes me anxious, especially since I haven’t dated in a while. How do I avoid oversharing or messing things up?
The fear of “messing up” often stems from perfectionism and people-pleasing tendencies. Take it slow—share in layers rather than all at once. Practice self-compassion and remind yourself that relationships are built over time, not through immediate emotional intimacy.
7. Are avoidant and anxious attachment styles fixed traits, or can they change based on relationships?
Attachment styles are adaptable and situational. You might lean anxious with one partner but feel secure with another. Factors like the other person’s attachment style, past traumas, and your own healing progress influence how you show up in relationships.
8. If I learn someone is avoidant, should I walk away as an anxious person?
Not necessarily. Relationships between anxious and avoidant partners can work with mutual effort and awareness. However, it requires clear communication, boundary setting, and emotional work on both sides. If your needs are repeatedly unmet, walking away could be a form of self-care.
9. I crave certainty in relationships and struggle with uncertainty about how someone feels. How do I handle this?
Uncertainty triggers your nervous system, making you seek reassurance. Instead of seeking external validation, build internal security by practicing mindfulness, self-trust exercises, and reminding yourself that relationships unfold organically.
10. I tend to overextend myself in relationships. Is this just my attachment style, or something deeper?
Your tendency to overgive likely stems from both attachment wounds and deeper childhood patterns. Healing involves setting boundaries, identifying your worth beyond “doing,” and exploring where your need to overcompensate originated.
11. I ended a relationship but now want to reconnect and make sure they’re okay. Is this avoidant attachment?
This could be a sign of disorganized attachment, where you oscillate between anxious and avoidant behaviors. It’s normal to feel conflicted after a breakup, but focus on what led to the exhaustion in the first place. Healing requires sitting with discomfort instead of seeking closure externally.
12. How do I manage self-doubt and anxiety after ending a long-term relationship?
Self-doubt is a natural reaction to change. Counter it by focusing on your reasons for leaving and reaffirming your values. Engage in self-care, build a new routine, and give yourself grace—growth is messy but worth it.
13. I attach quickly to people and then feel devastated when they pull away. How do I balance connection without becoming avoidant?
The key is emotional regulation. Instead of shutting down or over-attaching, practice mindful connection—allowing yourself to invest emotionally while keeping a healthy detachment from the outcome.
14. How do I heal my anxious attachment when interacting with an avoidant?
Healing begins with self-regulation. Recognize triggers, communicate needs clearly, and avoid seeking validation from the avoidant partner. Strengthen your emotional independence through grounding techniques and inner work. Shifting your attachment from others onto self is how we become securely attached.
15. Would it be a bad idea to find another anxious person to date?
While it might feel comforting to date someone with the same attachment style, it could create a cycle of mutual anxiety and dependency. It’s important to focus on cultivating security within yourself first. A healthy relationship is about balance, not codependency.
Final Thoughts
Healing your anxious attachment isn’t about fixing yourself—it’s about understanding your patterns, learning new ways to self-soothe, and creating relationships that align with your true needs.
You’re not alone in this journey, and there’s support available. If you’re ready to dive deeper, let’s work together. Book your assessment here and take the first step toward emotional freedom and self-mastery.
Always ready to guide you home to your Authentic Self. Let’s GO!
Zac