How to Lead Up to a Narcissistic Leader and Transform Your Team’s Culture
My Experience With Narcissistic Leadership
For 17 years, I worked under a narcissistic leader who felt threatened by my influence and my natural ability to lead others. Every day was a battle of self-worth—constantly second-guessing myself, playing small, and shrinking my voice just to avoid conflict. The environment was suffocating. The competition on the team, the lack of recognition, the emotional exhaustion—it chipped away at who I truly was.
But it wasn’t just about surviving. Over time, I realized that in order to break free, I had to go deeper. I had to heal. I had to reclaim me—the authentic self that I had buried for so long just to keep the peace. I learned how to lead from my true self, even when the world around me felt heavy. I embraced my own worth, stopped playing small, and broke the patterns that were keeping me stuck.
Healing from that experience wasn’t easy, but it was the most freeing thing I’ve ever done. Now, I want to help you do the same. You don’t have to live in the shadow of someone else’s insecurities. It’s time to find your voice and lead from your truth. Let’s take this journey together. 💪
What I Learned
Leading up to a narcissistic leader presents unique challenges. These leaders often dominate the room, focus on their own achievements, and overlook the emotional and professional needs of their team. If you're in a position where you’re working under a narcissistic leader, you might feel caught between wanting to improve the team environment and navigating their often rigid or self-centered style.
So, how do you lead up in a way that not only helps the leader see the value you bring but also transforms the culture of competition and discontent within your team?
Here’s how you can empower yourself and, in turn, subtly help the leader shift into a more productive and people-focused approach:
Step 1: Know Who You Are – The Foundation of Leading Up
Before you can influence a narcissistic leader, you must know who *you* are. This starts with understanding your values, boundaries, and how you show up in the workplace. When you’re clear on your own sense of self, you’ll avoid the common trap of needing external validation—something a narcissistic leader will likely not provide.
Ask yourself:
What are my strengths, and how do they serve this team?
What do I bring to the table that is unique?
How do I react emotionally to challenges, and how can I stay grounded?
By owning your strengths and recognizing your worth, you’ll be able to approach your leader with confidence and clarity. This not only helps you maintain personal boundaries but also ensures that you’re presenting solutions that align with your own integrity.
Step 2: Process the Energy Before Passing It On
A narcissistic leader often creates an emotionally charged environment. There may be constant competition, unmet needs, or a feeling that the team is underappreciated. One of the most critical skills you’ll need is the ability to process this energy before you pass it on to the leader.
This means learning how to:
Stay Calm Under Pressure: Before presenting problems to the leader, make sure you’ve taken time to process any emotional reactions. Whether through mindfulness, breathing techniques, or simply taking time to reflect, find a way to discharge emotional energy so you can speak from a place of calm and clarity.
Reframe the Narrative: Instead of bringing problems or complaints directly to the leader, reframe them as opportunities. For example, rather than saying, “The team is frustrated and unhappy,” say, “I’ve noticed that the team’s energy is low, and I have some ideas on how we can re-energize everyone to hit our goals.”
Recognize Their Need for Control: Narcissistic leaders often have a deep need for control and recognition. When leading up, find ways to position your suggestions in a way that gives them ownership of the solution. Frame your suggestions in a way that benefits the leader directly while subtly addressing the needs of the team.
Step 3: Provide Clear Solutions
Narcissistic leaders respond best to clear, actionable solutions that emphasize their success. This is where your ability to think strategically comes in. Instead of merely presenting issues, you need to come armed with well-thought-out solutions that align with their goals while also improving the team environment.
Here’s how:
Focus on Results: Narcissistic leaders tend to be results-driven. Lead with the outcome they want to see. If the team is unhappy and productivity is slipping, frame your solution around how increasing team satisfaction will drive better results.
Appeal to Their Ego—Strategically: While it may seem counterintuitive, narcissistic leaders are more likely to adopt your solutions if they feel it will boost their own reputation. Acknowledge their strengths and present your ideas in a way that highlights how they will be the hero in the situation.
Be Solution-Oriented: Instead of emphasizing the problem, emphasize the solution. If the team feels overworked and underappreciated, suggest new recognition programs or team-building activities that will also reflect well on the leader’s ability to motivate the team.
For example:
“I’ve noticed that when the team feels more connected, their productivity and loyalty increase. I have a few ideas for ways we can enhance team morale and engagement that would make your leadership stand out even more.”
Step 4: Address the Team’s Needs While Leading Up
While you’re leading up and ensuring the narcissistic leader sees the benefit in the solutions you offer, it’s essential not to lose sight of the team’s needs. The key is to address these needs in a way that the leader can recognize as beneficial to their goals.
If your team is struggling under the weight of competition and unmet emotional needs, consider how you can frame the solutions in a way that not only solves their problems but also makes the leader look good. For example, if there’s too much internal competition causing dysfunction, suggest a way to refocus that energy into a more collaborative environment that still aligns with the leader’s desire for high performance.
Step 5: Shift the Culture Subtly
Changing the culture under a narcissistic leader won’t happen overnight, but leading up in this way creates subtle shifts. As you bring solutions that work for both the team and the leader, you’ll begin to see an evolution in the team dynamic. The key is patience, persistence, and a long-term approach. The more you show that addressing the team’s needs leads to better outcomes, the more open the leader may become to these ideas.
The Challenge and Reward of Leading Up
Leading up to a narcissistic leader requires a balance of self-awareness, emotional intelligence, and strategic thinking. It’s about recognizing their needs while maintaining your integrity and finding ways to uplift the team without direct confrontation. When done well, this approach can lead to a more harmonious team environment, improved performance, and perhaps, a slight softening of the leader’s narcissistic tendencies over time.
If you’re ready to take on this challenge and want guidance on how to deepen your self-awareness, process emotional energy, and lead up effectively, I can help you unlock the tools and strategies you need. Click below to book your assessment and start leading from your authentic self. Let's transform not only how you work but also the environment you're working in.
With Love,
Zac