Finding Life in the Stillness: My Journey of Starting Over
BreakBox Coaching Founder and CEO Zachary Pike Gandara
The Mask of Success: Leaving It All Behind
I grew up in a world where faith was the answer to everything. There was no space for doubt or questioning. My family didn’t trust doctors, believing instead in the promises of faith healing. As a pastor in a mega church that preached prosperity gospel, I taught others to rely solely on their faith to change their lives. Yet, behind my confident sermons, I felt an emptiness I couldn’t ignore. I was trapped—trapped in beliefs that denied reality, in a role I didn’t fully believe in, and in a life that felt increasingly inauthentic.
The first crack in the facade came with a health scare that changed my life. Kidney failure—a direct result of neglecting medical care—shook my foundation. For two years, I relied on dialysis to stay alive. Strangely enough, those hours in the dialysis chair became my sanctuary. The people around me weren’t wearing masks to appear successful or holy. They were just trying to survive. And so was I.
Questions for Reflection
Are there parts of your life where you feel you’re wearing a mask, pretending to be someone you’re not?
What would it take to begin removing that mask?
Learning Stillness in the Chair
Dialysis demanded stillness. Fifteen hours a week in a chair, unable to escape into my usual coping mechanisms like alcohol, gaming, or even prayer. I couldn’t move. At first, it was torture. But over time, I learned to sit with myself. I learned to calm my anxiety without distraction. That chair became a classroom for patience and self-regulation.
And so, I read. In those hours, books became my portal to freedom. I dove into philosophy, theology, and history. I taught myself to read Greek, Hebrew, and Aramaic, and I learned how to properly study the Bible through historical hermeneutics. Over two years, I read the Bible 13 times—this time, not as a pastor trying to find sermon material but as a seeker trying to understand truth.
What I discovered shattered me: most Christians had never truly read the Bible. Even fewer knew how to study it properly. The faith I had built my life on began to crumble under the weight of knowledge.
Questions for Reflection
When was the last time you sat still with your thoughts?
How often do you seek knowledge outside of your comfort zone?
The Decision to Leave
The realization that I couldn’t continue my life as it was came gradually but powerfully. The teachings I once believed in felt hollow, and powerless. The high-paying pastorate that defined my identity began to feel like a gilded cage. It wasn’t just about theology or health anymore; it was about integrity. How could I preach something I no longer aligned with in? Their version of it. How could I stay in a system that felt so disconnected from truth and authenticity?
Leaving the church meant leaving behind financial security, community, and the identity I had clung to for decades. But it also meant stepping into the unknown—a chance to rebuild my life on my terms.
Question for Reflection
Are there parts of your life where you feel trapped by comfort or fear of change?
What would it take to choose authenticity over security?
What I Learned About Myself, Life, and the Universe
In the stillness of those years, I learned truths that have stayed with me:
Stillness reveals what busyness hides. Sitting in that chair taught me more about myself than years of ministry ever did.
Knowledge can be liberating—but also painful. Understanding the Bible through proper study opened my eyes but also broke my heart.
True community is found in shared humanity, not shared beliefs. I found more authenticity among dialysis patients than in the polished pews of my church.
What Comes Next?
Leaving the church was just the beginning. The journey that followed would take me into uncharted territory, where I would have to confront the deepest parts of myself and rebuild my life from the ground up. In the next installment, I’ll share what happened after I walked away and how I began to find freedom, healing, and purpose.
But for now, I’ll leave you with this question:
Are you living a life that feels true to who you are, or are you stuck in a version of yourself that no longer fits?
Let me help you take the first step toward uncovering your truth and breaking free. Click here to book your assessment, and let’s start your journey together.
I’ve made the shift, if you’re ready, I’m ready to help you.
Zac